Oh, how far the douche has fallen!

The former Desperate Housewives star couldn't be more desperate!

Jesse Metcalfe will star in Fairfield Road, a Hallmark Channel film centering around Noah McManus, who is about to begin his dream job as a legislative director for a U.S. senator.

OMG, we could not think of anyone less believable in the role! For one thing, no male in politics have eyebrows that defined!!

All hell breaks loose for his character when his new boss resigns and discovers that his fiance his cheating on him. In the completely predictable plot twist, he goes to Cape Cod to get away from it all and falls for a local girl while becoming involved in their small town election.

Barf!

And we doubt he can even pull off the cheesetastic plot line!

Will U watch this shitty movie when it premieres next year?!

[Image via WENN.]

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No wonder he's jobless!

Jesse Metcalfe can't seem to keep his peen down or his mouth shut!

On the Jamie White Mornings radio show, the former Desperate Housewives star discussed the effects of his sex scenes with Eva Longoria - she made him "pop a wheelie."

Really?!

She turned him on to such an extent that he couldn't get out of bed after filming due to his everlasting gobstopper!

Ew. Ew. Ew.

[Image via WENN.]

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Who goes from sucking face with Eva Longoria to catching diseases from skanky college freshman?

Oh, we guess Jesse Metcalfe!!!

He was spotted out Tuesday night at some pretty trendy clubs in NYC - Tenjune and 1Oak - macking on pretty much anything with legs and vag!

Sources say he was drunk off his ass and used being the "gardener on Desperate Housewives" as a pick up line!

How sad!

And how icky!

Them girls better wash their face!

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This is a bad idea!

Jesse Metcalfe will be reprising his role as the formerly sexy help on Desperate Housewives.

A source tells OK Magazine that "he'll be on for 6 to 8 episodes, with the possibility of coming back full time" and "he'll have a lot of shirtless scenes."

Has he scheduled his breast reduction and lip surgery yet????

[Image via WENN.]

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When you're Leonardo DiCaprio, you pretty much have your pick of the ladies (or fellas) everywhere you go!

Last night, his lady of choice was the ex-girlfriend of Jesse Metcalfe, model Emma Miller. The two shared a romantic dinner in South Kensington, England, before hitting up the bar Collection.

A witness recalls:

“The pair arrived separately and Leonardo was very keen not to be photographed. They left 10 minutes apart, and Leo then made his way to Maddox nightclub in Mayfair. His car stopped, and just when it looked like he was going to get out, it sped off again. He must have had a last-minute change of heart.”

Aw! He must like her enough to not drunkenly hook-up with some other skanky Brit!

[Image via WENN.]

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Hasbeen Jesse Metcalfe was spotted Wednesday night pAArtying with some friends at Madame Royale nighclub in Los Angeles.

The former Desperate Housewives part-time gardener was looking rather dull while trying to rock some sandals as he made his way to the club. He also seemed to have his right thumb bandaged up.

We can only begin to imagine how he injured his finger!

Wonder how that acting "career" of his is going?

Also spotted at the nightclub was The Hills star, ceiling eyes Audrina Patridge sans Chris Pine.

P.S. Men should NEVER wear shoes like that to a club!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Metcalfe image via National Photo Group, Patridge image via Kokopix/WENN.]

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On Monday, "actor" Jesse Metcalfe was spotted leaving a casting call in Studio City, California.

That's sweet! He's still trying to work!

But by the look of things, Jesse appears to have gone on the Jessica Simpson diet.

Slight chubby, not obese, but definitely nowhere near the chiseled bod he once had.

We're guessing he'll say the weight gain was for a role.

Maybe he's playing a clean-shaved bear?

[Image via FinalPixx.]

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He may be a douche, but….

A spokesperson for D-list actor Jesse Metcalfe has confirmed that the Desperate Housewives actor took a nasty tumble 40 feet from a balcony at an afterparty for the World Music Awards in Monaco on Sunday.

Emergency crews found him unconscious and took him to a hospital in Monaco immediately. Yesterday, Monday, he flew back to London, where he was kept overnight. Today, he is receiving MRI scans that will hopefully greenlight him to return home.

Miraculously, Jesse escaped his fall without any broken bones.

We wish him a speedy recovery!

[Image via WENN.]

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Here's what Z-minus lister Jesse Metcalfe had to say about the reports that he was asked to be part of the UK reality competition show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here:

“I’m against reality shows. I find them very exploitative. I don’t think they’re that cool.”

But, the loser did admit that he may change his mind “in the later stages of my career, if ever I needed some money”.

So, we'll see him in a reality show next year?

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